Dear Frannie,

Can you please tell me why big Jock Dudes who act like dicks insist on accessorizing with man purses or fanny packs, and why this pisses me off so much?

Matt

Dear Matt,

Jock Dudes need to wear fanny packs or purses because that’s where they keep stacks of photos of what their packages looked like before they started taking steroids. This may piss you off because even with their shriveled up junk, these guys still get the ladies.

Hang in there, Frannie

Dear Frannie,

Today is December 18th. I have some bacon that says “Best Before November 19.” I’m kind of tapped out of cash and my kids are pretty hungry.

Would you eat it?

Signed,
Better Off Dead in Edina

Dear Better Off,

Seeing as you live in Edina, Minnesota and weather.com says it’s 11º (but feels like 2º), I would leave the bacon out on the counter for a couple of nights and then eat it raw. There’s a strong chance you’ll get a tapeworm and look super skinny at your New Year’s party and then you’ll get to spend quality alone time in January getting sponge baths and meals brought to you in the hospital.

Feed the kids microwave popcorn, it’s a vegetable.

Love, Frannie