Dear Frannie,

I’m 39 years old and I’ve been a Registered Nurse for 18 years. I don’t have the desire or the time to go back to school, and I totally hate my job. I’m starting to hate the people I work with, too. I can’t imagine wiping crap, suctioning gross fluids, and turning 300 pound people over for another 30 years, but I make too much money to just stop.

Other than popping all the pills I can get my hands on, or downing wine any chance I get, how can I get through the next 30 years?

Thanks, Burned Out Babe

Dear Burned,

Hospitals are a hotbed of sex, pain, love, death, pleasure and passion. Here are your two options:

1. Death is on your doorstep every day, take advantage of him. He can be a pretty good guy, especially if he happens upon a very old, very rich, man whom you’ve happened to fall madly in love with, (just before he put you in the will and right after he passed away.)

or

2. There are horny, rich doctors crawling around your workplace like parasites. Brush your hair and put on make-up before work and wear some scrubs with 5% lycra in them that are bit too small with a plunging v-neck. Even if you end up landing a dink, you won’t have to see him much because he’ll be at work.

With love, Frannie

P.S. Please let me know what hospital you work for, so I never go there.

Dear Frannie,

Why do sleeping pill labels tell you:
a) not to drink alcohol before taking and
b) to take pills on an empty stomach?
But anyone who needs sleeping pills:
a) drinks alcohol and
b) eats too much.

Please advise, Stony B.

Dear Stony,

Do you read the FBI warning that comes on the screen when you rent a movie? So stop reading the warning labels and enjoy.

Always, Frannie

Dear Frannie,

Is it wrong to want to spend the holiday season on Vicodin? It turns out that this pill that was prescribed to me to help solve a neck problem is improving everything else in my life. I feel relaxed and happy, I feel more love for my husband and have been patient with my children. In reality, it seems like a miracle drug. Wouldn’t Santa want me to be happy? Just seeking your advice.

Happy Holiday Mom

Dear Happy,

What are you doing, cutting the pills in half? Enjoy the prescribed happiness and up your dosage to the point where you forget you took them, which relieves any guilt you may feel about taking them in the first place. I find that my pill popping feels more benign and socially acceptable when I eat them out of a mint Tic Tac box.

Love, Frannie

P.S. In my house I am Santa and I wish you nothing but happiness and endless refills.