Hello Frannie,

I recently got engaged to my boyfriend of three years “Paul.” Last week out of the blue Paul asked me how many men I had been with before him. Should I be honest? I haven’t slept with a lot of other men, I mean it’s way less than 40, but why should he even know about a time in my life when I didn’t know he existed?

Sally B. Me

Dear Sally,

The sexual partner disclosure rule is as follows:

Take the number of men you’ve slept with. In your case I’m guessing 38. Place a decimal point after the first number which will give you 3.8. Get rid off any numbers after the decimal point and subtract 1. Tell Paul you slept with 2 other men prior to meeting him. (If the other 36 men actually do show up at some point in your life, break down and tell Paul about your slutty twin sister who died suddenly in a tragic snow blower accident when you were 23.)

Be well, Frannie

Dear Frannie,

Thanks for writing your column. I just did a horrible thing and I thought you could help me. I looked up my ex-boyfriend “Rich” from college, and after extensive online research, found his phone number. Work is completely dead right now, so I called him and a kid answered. I hung up right away. Do you think they’ll know it’s me?

Signed, Laura the Ex

Dear Laura,

Hung up! What’s wrong with you? Look at it this way, that kid could be yours. Call back and milk him for information. Here’s a few sample questions you can try when Junior answers:

What kind of car does your daddy drive?
How much does Mommy weigh?
Does she have a facial hair?
Do Mommy and Daddy fight a lot?
Do Mommy’s upper arms jiggle?
Would you say they fight a lot or a little?
Were you breast fed?
Does Daddy ever call Mommy “Laura?”

Those are just a few, if you need more, just ask.

With love, Frannie

Dear Frannie,

Why are you so against oral sex? I’m tired of you bashing it.

Judd L.

Dear Judd,

I’m sorry, I just don’t think a place with more than 20 very sharp teeth is very safe place for a penis.

Always, Frannie