Dear Frannie,

Nevada Bound

Dear Nevada,

I’d like to quote a painting my friend owns that reads, “CAT IN BAG, BAG IN RIVER.”

Safe travels, Frannie

Dear Frannie,

So I accidentally called my friend my ex-girlfriend’s name right after telling her I don’t even think about my ex anymore. Needless to say this did not escape my prurient friend and I fear what may come of it. How do I nip this thing in the bud before it comes back to bite me?

Signed, Me in RI

Dear Me,

Be honest with yourself, it sounds like you want the ex to come back and bite you. Send her some flowers and tell her you’ve changed. As for the friend, that bud has blossomed. You’ll probably be deservedly ridiculed until you call your mom the ex girlfriend’s name and then no one will say anything because they’ll feel sorry for you.

Be well, Frannie

Dear Frannie,

I asked my boyfriend, “Chad,” what he wanted for his birthday coming up and he told me a guinea pig. I thought he was joking and then he told me this story about how his brother had one growing up and he had always wanted one. I understand a grown man wanting a fish or something, but a guinea pig? Should I just get him one to make him happy?

Sally from PA

Dear Sally,

Any grown man who wants a guinea pig was either weaned from the breast too young or was forced to breast feed too long. Either way, pack your bags. Abort mission. Abandon Ship. Danger. Get out. Exit. Run. You’ll thank me later.

Sincerely, Frannie