Dear Frannie,

Delores K.

Dear Delores,

Thank you for not making the who would you do choice someone repulsive like Al Roker or Geraldo Rivera. Wouldn’t everyone choose Anderson Cooper? Hands down, Anderson Cooper. Matt Lauer seems like he’d just want to spoon for a while and then talk.

Sincerely, Frannie

Hello Frannie,

I recently got engaged to my boyfriend of three years “Paul.” Last week out of the blue Paul asked me how many men I had been with before him. Should I be honest? I haven’t slept with a lot of other men, I mean it’s way less than 40, but why should he even know about a time in my life when I didn’t know he existed?

Sally B. Me

Dear Sally,

The sexual partner disclosure rule is as follows:

Take the number of men you’ve slept with. In your case I’m guessing 38. Place a decimal point after the first number which will give you 3.8. Get rid off any numbers after the decimal point and subtract 1. Tell Paul you slept with 2 other men prior to meeting him. (If the other 36 men actually do show up at some point in your life, break down and tell Paul about your slutty twin sister who died suddenly in a tragic snow blower accident when you were 23.)

Be well, Frannie

Dear Frannie,

I’m 39 years old and I’ve been a Registered Nurse for 18 years. I don’t have the desire or the time to go back to school, and I totally hate my job. I’m starting to hate the people I work with, too. I can’t imagine wiping crap, suctioning gross fluids, and turning 300 pound people over for another 30 years, but I make too much money to just stop.

Other than popping all the pills I can get my hands on, or downing wine any chance I get, how can I get through the next 30 years?

Thanks, Burned Out Babe

Dear Burned,

Hospitals are a hotbed of sex, pain, love, death, pleasure and passion. Here are your two options:

1. Death is on your doorstep every day, take advantage of him. He can be a pretty good guy, especially if he happens upon a very old, very rich, man whom you’ve happened to fall madly in love with, (just before he put you in the will and right after he passed away.)

or

2. There are horny, rich doctors crawling around your workplace like parasites. Brush your hair and put on make-up before work and wear some scrubs with 5% lycra in them that are bit too small with a plunging v-neck. Even if you end up landing a dink, you won’t have to see him much because he’ll be at work.

With love, Frannie

P.S. Please let me know what hospital you work for, so I never go there.