Dear Frannie,

Recently I’ve started pretending my husband is someone else in bed. Is my marriage over?

Lisa from Hartford

Dear Lisa,

Delusional fantasies are a part of every strong marriage. My husband hasn’t been himself to me in bed since Braveheart came out. Enjoy your new ability, but don’t watch 60 Minutes before sex. Yelling out, “Oh Morley! Morley! Don’t stop!” brings things to a standstill in the sack.

I had a dream last night. I was lying on the doorstep of my house outside. It was raining a little. My husband pulled up to the curb in his car and got out. He walked down our walkway with his briefcase. When he reached me he didn’t seemed at all surprised that I was lying there. He pulled the door open, which skimmed just above my back and then he wiped his feet on me and stepped inside. And then he leaned back out the door and looked down at me and said, “Can you please not wear that sweater anymore? It makes me track orange fibers all over the house.” And then he shut the door.

What does this mean, Frannie?

Signed, Doormat in New Hampshire

Dear Doormat,

I’m no dream interpretor, but it seems like you not only see yourself as a doormat, but a bad one at that. Sweet Lord, Woman, what have you gotten yourself into? You either need to call a girlfriend and guzzle bottles of wine with her or get a gun and shoot your husband. Both will make you feel great right away, but the longterm outcomes my differ. You decide.

Sincerely, Frannie

I just moved in with my boyfriend, Sam. He’s great. We’ve dated for 3 years and we both thought this was a good next step for us. The problem is, a week after I moved in his ex girlfriend called and told him she was moving to Belgium and could not bring the jack russell Terrier that they owned together - and that she had fought for and won in the break-up. Sam is so excited, he loves this little dog and I am not excited. I mean if he wanted to get a dog with me I’d be excited, but this just seems like a way for his ex to stay connected. What should I do?

Sincerely, Sad in Louisville

Dear Sad,

What a bummer. I assume if you’ve been dating Sam for 3 years this step dog must about 5 which means you’ve got it for at least 8 more years.

I’ve been married for 9 years and have a step cat of my own that my husband got with his antichristish ex. I hate this cat today as much as I did the day I found out it used to be hers. This thing has watched him have sex with her and me and with everything that’s going on these days I would not be surprised if some asswipe out there is inventing a cat interpretation machine and she’ll be on the Today Show telling all about about my hairy legs and our love swing. So move out. She’s probably already inserted some recording device on the thing.

Plus, you said Sam was “great.” Jesus, you might spend the rest of your life with this guy, you can do better than “great.” Go have sex with as many people as you can, find a guy that can make you have an orgasm on a subway train at rush hour and marry him instead.

Frannie