Dear Frannie,

I am the best man in a friend’s wedding with an Indian, all vegan, non-alcoholic reception. I detest curry dishes in any form and cannot function without a constant source of alcohol seeing as I suffer from a social anxiety disorder. There is a restaurant/bar right next door to the reception, but my friend is a recovering alcoholic and the smell of alcohol on anyone’s breath causes her to convulse violently. She is also a Buddhist and believes wholeheartedly in the effects of Karma. Will I be doomed for all eternity if I take an escape next door to kick back a few?

Signed,
Lost in Los Angeles

Dear Lost,
An Indian, Vegan, Buddhist, dry wedding? I guarantee they’ll be passing around joints the size of Gandhi’s right leg. By the time the Vegan of Honor toasts the happy couple, you’ll be eating curry out of the serving bowls with no hands, Karma intact.

Wish I were there (really), Frannie

Dear Frannie,

With the approach of New Year’s Eve, I fear that my honkyass neighbors from Arkansas are planning another fireworks fiesta in our street and I don’t know if I can take it. My nerves are still on edge from their 3 day pyrotechnic hootenanny in July in which they exploded over 100 pounds of gunpowder all while screaming, “FAWR IN DA HOWUL, DADDY!!”. Yes, them crackers loves them some crackers.

Anyway, Frannie, my question is, Is there anything I can do - short of calling the police or turning a firehouse on them - to stop this from happening? I don’t want to usher in the new year hunkered down in my house like I’m in the middle of a firefight on the Gaza Strip and fear I might be driven to do something to their cat with a lit-up Roman candle. Please advise.

Signed,
Texas Sparkler

Dear Sparkler,

Good Lord, don’t touch their cat. Arkansans hold pets, livestock, and anything that can’t tell on them in high regard. I suggest you dress up like a goat and roll in mayonnaise and Fritos. Run by their yard. I’ve never met a man from Arkansas who can resist a crunchy, mayonnaisey, smelling goat. That should distract them from any “pyrotechnic hootenanny” until February.

Your friend, Frannie

Dear Frannie,

I just got Rockband on my Xbox for Christmas. I’m starting a band with my wife’s family and I’m the lead guitar player because my skills are exceptional. Unfortunately, my brother-in-law, David, plays the drums and I think he’ll prevent us from getting a record deal.

How do I tell him he’s awful without creating turmoil with the family, and more importantly, with the band?!?

Signed, John Bongiovi

Dear JB,

Keep him. The drummer always dies. (See: John Bonham, Keith Moon, Eric Carr, Jeff Porcaro)

Rock on, Frannie