Dear Frannie,

I used to watch the Dick Van Dyke Show and always noticed that the husband and wife slept in the same room, but in separate twin beds. My own parents shared a king size bed in our house, so I thought this was normal. My wife and I share the same bed for one of only three reasons: to watch a movie, to read, or to have sex. We don’t ever sleep together.

Here’s my question: Is the fact that my wife prefers to sleep in the guest room rather than with me common? Who had it right, Rob and Laura or my parents?

Sleeps like a rock in Manchester

Dear Sleeps,

Any marital sleeping arrangement that doesn’t result in suffocation, stabbing, bludgeoning, bone fractures, adultery or decapitation is a healthy one. Since you were alive and well enough to contact me with no typographical errors - which are often a red flag for blunt force trauma to the brain - I’d say leave well enough alone.

Sleep tight, Frannie

Dear Frannie,

I am a definite MILF, and I love dressing like one. I love wearing short skirts and low-cut blouses that show off my boobs, which cost me plenty so I want people to see them. I never wear anything other than platform heels, even to work out on the stair-stepper - if Mariah Carey can do it, then so can I. I get lots of attention for my looks and wardrobe. People are always pointing and staring when I’m at the grocery store, but I know it’s just because they’re jealous bitches.

Anyway, my problem is my 12-year-old daughter. She claims she’s embarrassed by my clothes and won’t wear any of the stuff I buy her from Forever 21. She insists on wearing blouses with Peter Pan collars, cardigans, and knee-length skirts.

How can I get my daughter to dress more like her smoking-hot mama?

Sincerely,
MILF in Midland

Dear MILF,

Tell her that February is “Dress Like a Scary Whore” month at school and that all of the other little girls in her class will be dressing like Mommy. Once she hears her friends are on board for the Skankfest she’ll be flashing that pre-pubescent cleavage faster than you can you can spell Gonorrhea.

Frannie

Dear Frannie,

My husband is worried that I’m going to find old boyfriends on Facebook, and rekindle a relationship with a romantic tryst. How can I assure him I don’t want to date any of the losers from my past?

Not Looking for Old Love in Cocoa

Dear Not Looking,

Grow your leg, armpit, and facial hair and post a photo of yourself in a bikini sitting on the cinder block outside of a double-wide holding four kids and a Poodle with a cigar in your mouth. You’ll have fewer friends than Rod Blagojevich.

Yours, Frannie