Dear Frannie,

I am on holiday in the desert and I met this seemingly wonderful family. They have children the age of my child and we had so much fun playing in the pool. The only drawback is their handsome little boy kept using this awful water shooter contraption and squirting me right in the face while I was wearing my GUCCI sunglasses. Can you imagine even thinking to squirt someone while wearing GUCCI’s?

How should I handle this if I run into them again? Please help.

Tanya of Trumble

Dear Tanya,

Thank God you wrote in. With all of the Obama brouhaha, I feel like everyone is so into being meaningful and deep. It’s so refreshing to advise a truly shallow person. For your next trip to the pool wear an eye patch and bring a walking stick. Tell the kid and his parents that his antics damaged your retina and that if he gets so much as a drop of water on you, you will be forced to zap him with your brand new Tasercane.

Stay in touch, Frannie

Dear Frannie,

I’m 39 years old and I’ve been a Registered Nurse for 18 years. I don’t have the desire or the time to go back to school, and I totally hate my job. I’m starting to hate the people I work with, too. I can’t imagine wiping crap, suctioning gross fluids, and turning 300 pound people over for another 30 years, but I make too much money to just stop.

Other than popping all the pills I can get my hands on, or downing wine any chance I get, how can I get through the next 30 years?

Thanks, Burned Out Babe

Dear Burned,

Hospitals are a hotbed of sex, pain, love, death, pleasure and passion. Here are your two options:

1. Death is on your doorstep every day, take advantage of him. He can be a pretty good guy, especially if he happens upon a very old, very rich, man whom you’ve happened to fall madly in love with, (just before he put you in the will and right after he passed away.)

or

2. There are horny, rich doctors crawling around your workplace like parasites. Brush your hair and put on make-up before work and wear some scrubs with 5% lycra in them that are bit too small with a plunging v-neck. Even if you end up landing a dink, you won’t have to see him much because he’ll be at work.

With love, Frannie

P.S. Please let me know what hospital you work for, so I never go there.

Dear Frannie,

Can you please tell me why big Jock Dudes who act like dicks insist on accessorizing with man purses or fanny packs, and why this pisses me off so much?

Matt

Dear Matt,

Jock Dudes need to wear fanny packs or purses because that’s where they keep stacks of photos of what their packages looked like before they started taking steroids. This may piss you off because even with their shriveled up junk, these guys still get the ladies.

Hang in there, Frannie