Weekly Delusion

Games you can play: Bank Regulatory Bingo

Visit Ben at his office. Have him start telling you about his day and take a nap on the couch.

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This week’s delusional fantasy is:

July 12

Alec Baldwin

What you’ll need: hair pomade, rawhide, and all of Alec’s brothers

Games you can play: How Long Are They Going to Stay

Start making out with Alec and pull away ask how long his brothers are going to stay. He’ll tell you that his brothers have always looked up to him and often watch him do everything from brushing his teeth to making love. Throw the rawhide in the corner and finish making love while they scrap over it.

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This week’s delusional fantasy is:

July 6

Levi Johnston

What you’ll need: a warm coat and some condoms

Games you can play: Be Quiet, Daddy is Studying for the SATs

Lure Levi into the locker room and tell him not to talk because it makes him less good looking. Quickly take your clothes off and prepare for 45 seconds of heaven and a sweet surprise in 9 months.

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This week’s delusional fantasy is:
June 14

Jon Gosselin

What you’ll need: sideburns, sun glasses, earring, condoms, the pill, IUD, Femidom, spermicidal foam, and a diaphragm

Games you can play: Do These Sextuplets Make Me Look Fat?

Meet Jon in the bedroom and put all of your birth control options in their proper places. While you’re making love tell him your session is being filmed for a reality show and ask him if you think it will effect your relationship at all.

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This week’s delusional fantasy is:
June 14

Adam Lambert

What you’ll need: mascara, black hair dye, dark denim tights

Games you can play: I Had No Idea

Invite Adam over and try to kiss him. Have him say, “eyeww, you taste like a girl.” Tell him you are and then have him sit down and tell you he’s gay. Cover your mouth and shake your head and tell him, “I had no idea, i had no idea.”

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This week’s delusional fantasy is:
June 7

Anthony Michael Hall

What you’ll need: condoms, braces, headgear

Games you can play: Ma, Ma

Make sweet love to Anthony in a drunken stupor. Wake him up the morning for more and have him roll back and forth in the back of a parked convertible chanting “Ma, Ma, I got my head gear on.” Leave the house immediately and go drink some coffee.

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This week’s delusional fantasy is:
June 1

Matthew McConaughy

What you’ll need: Vaseline, a large mirror

Games you can play: Me Me Me

Call Matthew into the bedroom. When he comes in hand him the Vaseline and lead him to the mirror. Go run errands while he makes love to himself.

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This week’s delusional fantasy is:
May 25

Randy Jackson

What you’ll need: eye glasses, an 80’s cardigan, snacks

Games you can play: Dawggiestyle

Leave a trail of Cheetos from the kitchen up the stairs to the bedroom, so Randy can find you. Start making love to him and have him stop and tell you, “Yo, dawg, listen up. You’re a little pitchie here and there, but you’re alright.” Thank him and let him know that although you value his comments, his opinion has very little weight or validity. Go watch tv.

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This week’s delusional fantasy is:
May 17

David Copperfield

What you’ll need: hair gel, a magic hat, a magic wand, teeth whitener, eyebrow bushener

Games you can play: Magicmaniest

Have David come over. Tell him he’s the best illusionist you’ve ever seen on television. Ask him what kind of powder he slipped in Claudia Schiffer’s coffee to make her date him for so long. Have him disappear so you don’t have to sleep with him.

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This week’s delusional fantasy is:
May 10

David Beckham

What you’ll need: garlic, a sharp stake, some condoms, a soccer outfit

Games you can play: Bend Me, Beckham

Go to David’s soccer match. After the game, wait by the team buses. Ask David if you can get him a pint. After you get him drunk tell him to get Victoria and meet you in your bedroom. When they walk in shove the garlic in Victoria’s mouth to weaken her and then take the sharp stake and drive it through her heart. Once the beast is killed make love to David repeatedly, but don’t let him talk much because although his accent is hot, I think he’s a bit daft.

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This week’s delusional fantasy is:
May 4

Dennis Leary

What you’ll need: Fireman’s uniform, cigarettes, firetruck, matches

Games you can play: rescue me

Light your house on fire and lean out the window. Yell to Dennis to save you and then jump out of the second story window into his arms. Have him carry you across the yard and have his way with you in the truck.

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This week’s delusional fantasy is:
April 27

Bret Michaels

What you’ll need: a bandana, a bus, lipstick, spray tan, crab medicine, clorox wipes, condoms (2 at a time), Herpicin, beer, ear plugs

Games you can play: Rock of Love Bus

Rent a bus and find 12 to 15 really skanky female mall rats with no cold sores showing. Take the 2 that don’t currently have an STD and bring them home with you and Bret. Remove Bret’s bandana and discover that all of his hair and teeth are actually connected to the thing. When the 2 whores run away in fear you can have Bret all to yourself.

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This week’s delusional fantasy is:
April 20

Dick Cheney

What you’ll need: lots of whiskey for yourself

Games you can play: Heart Attack

Lure Dick into your bedroom by waving guns and bacon just out of reach. Make love to him until he has a heart attack and passes away in your bed.
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This week’s delusional fantasy is:
April 12

Captain Richard Phillips

What you’ll need: a captains uniform an open mind

Games you can play: welcome home

Just lie there and let him do whatever the hell he wants to you, he’s been held hostage for five days on a ship by real honest to goodness pirates.

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April 5

Rob Pattinson

What you’ll need: a bed and a very dark room

Games you can play: Sex

Close your eyes and really, really concentrate. Pretend your husband is Rob Pattinson. Have sex.

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This week’s delusional fantasy is:

March 29

Rush Limbaugh

What you’ll need: a conservative men’s suit, some duct tape

Games you can play: Head Rush

Tell Rush to undress and wait for you in bed. Walk in the bedroom fully clothed and tightly adhere the duct tape across his mouth. Leave the house and go have some coffee.

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This week’s delusional fantasy is:

March 22

Vladimir Putin

What you’ll need: A Russian Prime Ministery looking outfit, vodka, and some borscht

Games you can play:
ВОГГИ ШТИЛ (trans. DOGGY STYLE)

Dress up like a Russian house maid with a KGB outfit on underneath. Go into the Mr. Putin’s office and tell him that his lunch is ready in Russian. Nervously place the soup in front of him have him grab your wrist and turn it over to reveal your “I M N D KGB” tattoo. Have him rip your fake house maid uniform to shreds only to uncover your KGB mini-dress with no undies. Make love on the desk being careful not to burn yourselves with the steaming borscht.

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This week’s delusional fantasy is:

March 16

Barack Obama

What you’ll need: Canopy bed, Secret Service Men, 3 piece suit

Games you can play:

Hail to the Chief

Ask Barack to meet you in the Martha Washington bedroom. Take all of your clothes off and climb into bed. When Barack comes in have him tell you, “I’ve got 10 minutes to fix you, honey, and then I’ve got to go fix this crappy country.” Make love to him quickly and when he leaves thank him and tell him the whole love making thing has made you quite tired. Ask him to take the trash out and make the kids’ lunches before he fixes the crappy country.

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March 1

Grizzly Adams

What you’ll need: Log cabin, a beard, a bear outfit, a backpack, tin utensils

Games you can Play:

Grizzly Style

Dress up like a bear and run through the woods. Get caught in a bear trap by accident. Have Grizzly find you and bring you home and have his way with you.

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This week’s delusional fantasy is:

February 22

Mickey Rourke

Games you can play:

Run. Run like you stole something.

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This week’s delusional fantasy is:

February 15

Captain Stubing

What you’ll need: a captain’s outfit, a set that looks like a boat

Games you can Play:

One Episode Romp

Dress up like a washed up actress. Pretend you’re a widow going for a cruise all by yourself on the Loveboat. Carry your luggage onto the boat, but struggle with it a little until you drop it. When you bend over to get it, have Captain Stubing take you from behind.

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This week’s delusional fantasy is:

February 8

Peter Cook

What you’ll need: a computer, a video camera, a coat and tie, teeth whitener, lotsa porn

Games you can Play:

Deviant

Dress up like Christy Brinkley’s 18 year old nanny. Make yourself a peanut butter and fluff sandwich and sit at your computer. Have Peter pop onto your gmail account and start sending you chatty chatty pictures of him making love to himself. Giggle a lot. Have Peter knock on the door and bring you Kool Aid, Chips Ahoy and a candy necklace. Say thanks and giggle some more. Make more chatty love in person, but have Peter secretly videotape the entire naughtiness without your knowledge.

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This week’s delusional fantasy is:

February 2

The Marlboro Man

What you’ll need: Stetson cowboy hat, cigarettes, lasso, a horse

Games you can Play:

Lost Colt

Dress up like a cowgirl and go out in your backyard and pretend it’s the prairie. Call out for Blackie, your lost colt. Sit on a fence post crying while you think about the best horse friend you every had. Have the Marlboro Man ride up with Blackie hooked in his lasso. Run up and hug your lost colt and ask the Marlboro Man how you can ever repay him. Have him light a cigarette and give you a nod and a come hither squinty look while he tips his hat. Once he’s done with the cigarette put the horses away, so they can’t watch and make love right there on the prairie.

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This week’s delusional fantasy is:

January 25

Schneider

What you’ll need: denim bell bottoms, denim vest, white t, tool belt, and a sweet stache

Games you can Play:

Clogged Toilet
Get a very unflattering and badly done Dorothy Hamill haircut. Have Schneider knock on the door of your apartment. Open the door and be all frazzled about the crazy antics your teenage daughters are up to. Tell him you think one daughter is having premarital sex with Eddie Van Halen and the other one flushed a kilo of coke down the toilet, which is why it’s clogged. Cry on his shoulder because you really need a friend because you’re a single working mom, but then, suddenly and unexpectedly start making out with him. Take his tool belt off and tell him the cute whore daughter and skinny coke sniffing daughter are both at school. Make love on the bathroom floor.

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This week’s delusional fantasy is:

January 19

Mr. McFeeley

What you’ll need: mail delivery outfit with cap, mustache, chameleon reading glasses, 3-speed bicycle

Games you can play:

Speedy Delivery
Be at home bored on a weekday morning hanging out in your teddy. Have Mr. McFeeley come to the door with a package containing feather mules that match your teddy while he chants, “Speedy delivery, speedy delivery,” over and over again with his pants down. Stuff a King Friday puppet in his mouth to muffle his voice and have a quickee right by the front door.

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January 11

Braveheart

What you’ll need: kilt, leather boots, Scottish accent, dagger, leather breastplate and arm guards, blue make-up

Games you can play:

I’m a Princess
Dress up like an English princess and hide in a closet. When Braveheart happens by whisper to him that you hate your husband, the Prince of Wales, and you need help escaping his evil, suffocating rule. Sneak around the house until you get to the bedroom. Make love like a royal adulteress from the late thirteenth century.

Free Scotland
Go into a wooded area and hang Braveheart by his neck to a rope tied to a tree. Accuse him of treason until he yells “Freedom!” When he does, cut him down and make love in the forest.

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DECEMBER 29

The Garbage Man

What you’ll need: dirty white t-shirt, jeans, gloves

Games you can play: Have the garbage man pull up to your house in his truck. Tell him you hurt your arm and ask him if he wouldn’t mind emptying all of the waste baskets in the house. After the trash is done and taken to the dump, tell him your arm still hurts and you don’t really feel like playing anymore.

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DECEMBER 22
Dr. Gregory House

What you’ll need: lab coat, stethoscope, Vicodin, defibrillator

games you can play

heart attack
Pretend to have a heart attack. Have HOUSE come in the room, rip your shirt off and apply the defibrillator to your heaving bare chest. Thank him for saving you and then make love with your newly energized heart.

hemophiliac
Start bleeding out of numerous pressure points on your body. Have HOUSE come to your bedside and give you some Factor VIII to make your blood clot. Thank him for saving your life and then make love very carefully and gently, so another dangerous non-blood coagulating episode doesn’t recur.

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This week’s delusional fantasy is:
DECEMBER 15
Wayne Gretsky

What you’ll need:
used hockey equipment, #99 jersey, mouthguard

games you can play:

obsessed fan
Have Wayne walk by the house in his hockey uniform. Run after him in a cheesy south Boston looking outfit with a perm. Yell something like, “Wayne, I f*#@’ love you!” Wayne then takes you in the garage or behind it and you make love while he’s still wearing his helmet.

off sides
Dress up like a referee. Have Wayne bat a puck around the living room. Yell something like, “off sides!” or “high sticking!” and blow your whistle. Get into a verbal screaming match and have Wayne throw off his gloves and helmet and then his pants, jersey, etc. Make love right in the living room while he’s still wearing his helmet.